Tag Archives: domestic violence prevention

Surviving and Thriving: Advice for Escaping and Beginning Anew after Domestic Abuse

By Nora Hood

This is a guest post by Nora Hood. We collaborated together on the details. I hope you find this helpful as you navigate domestic violence. Nora, we welcome your insights! Thanks for writing.

Leaving an abusive relationship is vital, but it can also be dangerous. With proper safeguards and careful planning, however, you can escape and start anew. This article offers the following advice for safely ending the abuse and beginning a new life.

Plan your escape. Careful planning is the key to a smooth and quick escape from domestic abuse. Do your research on a public computer somewhere like a local library, so your partner can’t trace your steps. Contact an area shelter to establish a relationship and for assistance in developing your plan. If you don’t know of a shelter close to you, reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Domestic Shelters.org is another great resource: https://www.domesticshelters.org/

In case of an emergency, teach your children how to call 911, and reach out to someone your partner doesn’t know who could provide shelter for you and your children should the need arise. Think through what escape route is most practical in your home, remembering stairwells, windows, and doorways. Using positive language, make a plan with your children of how you will meet if you become separated.

Start packing. Love Is Respect recommends creating an escape kit. This will include your daily necessities, such as medications, keys, money, clothing, your children’s needs such as diapers, toys, and formula, and contact information for your friends, family members, workplace, and creditors. You should also pack your identification information and legal paperwork for you and your children, such as marriage certificate, restraining orders, birth certificates, naturalization papers, Social Security cards, green cards and passports, insurance information, school records, and work visas. Also, pack what small, sellable items you can, such as electronic devices, jewelry, and cameras.

Once you’re out. Contact your child care providers and schools to advise them who is allowed to speak to your children. Avoid places where you used to go with your abuser, such as restaurants, banks, theaters, and shopping centers. Preserve your external safety by locking doors and windows at all times and screening phone calls, since your abuser may attempt to contact you. Steer clear of unsafe locations, such as bars and mutual friends, and connect with someone who can be your safety representative. This is someone you can trust and who can accompany you much of the time, especially at night.

New home. When your situation becomes more stable, you may decide it’s time to buy a new home. A home of your own can add to your security and help you rebuild your life and confidence. As CNBC explains, there are several steps for purchasing a home. You will need to tally your annual income, how much you can afford, evaluate your monthly spending, decide what kind of loan is best for you, and consider the current average annual percentage rate (APR). Once you have your finances figured out, you can use an online search tool to look for homes that fall within your price range where you live.

In addition to budgeting for your home purchase, consider setting aside extra funds for emergencies and unanticipated expenses since there will be moving costs, potential upgrades, and maintenance. As a rule of thumb, budget 10 to 20 percent of your home’s price for repairs and maintenance. For the sake of safety, strongly consider having all the doors rekeyed, and having additional deadbolts installed. Given the circumstances, you want to be as careful as possible. Search for reputable locksmiths in your area, and don’t be afraid to ask about their experience and whether they warranty their work. It also can’t hurt to ask if they’re offering any specials.

New life, new you. Escaping from abuse can be terrifying, but it’s vital. Stay safe, plan carefully and make thoughtful choices. You can begin anew, reframing and rebuilding your life securely.

“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.”

― John Mark Green

Giggling Green Bean is hosting a books signing

 

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The Giggling Green Bean is hosting a book signing for award winning children’s services author Julie Federico.  Julie will be signing her landmark books Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT, Some Parts are NOT for Sharing and Algunas Partes NO Son Para Comparitir.

July 5, 2014

1-3pm

The Giggling Green Bean

3929 Tennyson St, Denver, CO 80212
(720) 988-3725

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

This information was shared by Abuse No More on Facebook.  It is a wonderful list, full of validation for those living with domestic violence.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of “causing trouble.”
Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
Blame others for their own problems.
Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say “you make me mad”, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask”, or “I can’t help being angry”.
Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
May have a family history of violence.
May be cruel to animals and/or children.
May have a fascination with weapons.
May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
Often use physical force during arguments.
Often use verbal threats such as, “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, or “I’ll break your neck”. Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, “everybody talks like that”.
May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Are very controlling of others. Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
May be quick to become involved in relationships. Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need”.
May use “playful” force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.
May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it. An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

 

Letter to Colorado General Assembly regarding domestic violence legislation

I attended a rally with Mom’s Demand Action in October.  They asked the group to write letters to Senator’s and Representatives at the Colorado General Assembly.  It has taken me some time, better late than never.  Below is my letter you can cut and paste this and send it to your representative.  They need to hear our voice of prevention among all of the other noisy lobby groups.  9 women a week die at the hands of their partner or husband.  Of course this is 9 too many.

http://momsdemandaction.org/in-the-news/moms-demand-action-launches-october-domestic-gun-violence-awareness-campaign/

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Control C, Control V away and save a life today!

 

 

Mr. Ferrandino;

I am writing to you on behalf of women in Colorado, specifically on behalf of abused women. Women who are in abusive relationships do not have time to write to you. They are consumed with dodging danger and keeping the peace.

I am asking that you would support any legislation that would protect these women. They are a group you need to go to bat for. You can make a difference in their desperate lives.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Julie Federico
Victim Advocate/Author

 

New England Book Award Entry for Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT

Anger-is-OKAY-with-sticker600Yesterday I cleared my day to research The New England Book Awards.  The deadline to apply is in November 2013 so right away I felt lucky that I had not missed the deadline.  I submitted an entry for Some Parts are NOT for Sharing and Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT.  Below is my application page for Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT. I entered it in the How-to category with the hopes of being different.  I know I will be surrounded by books such as; “How to design a successful start up company. “How to Tweet your way onto The New York Times Best Seller List.” and such.  No one is talking about how to prevent domestic violence.  I am! And I can not think of a better way to spend my time.   Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT  is a How-to book on, “How to prevent domestic violence.”  It is for readers ages 0-7 years.  The book talks about anger control for young children which everyone needs more information on. Replacement behaviors are offered rather than just instructing children to “Stop it!” or “Cut it out now or else!”  Woven into the text is a subtle message for children living in homes where domestic violence is present.  The book instructs children that it is not okay to hurt others, and what to do if someone is hurting you.  Readers are encouraged to “Tell a trusted adult.” The judicial system is punitive at best for women who report domestic violence.  There are a multitude of reasons not to report if you are a woman without large financial resources to pay for a qualified lawyer.  Somehow the innocence of children and the pure truth coming through in their report without the baggage that an adult report carries brings justice. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence 8,800,000 children every year under the age of 18 witness acts of domestic violence.  This static is for North America alone sadly. My goal in writing the book is to change this.  If children live with violence at a young age they begin to think it is normal.  Thus continuing the cycle of violence. With the information in Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT children have the knowledge from an unbiased source that violence is wrong.  They are also instructed about how to get help.  My dream would be for every law enforcement squad car to have a copy of this book in their trunk.  When officers went on a domestic violence call they would leave the book if there were children in the home.  I believe officers know sometimes there is violence going on in the home, but they do not file a report biased on lack of evidence.  Teachers and school personnel are mandatory reporters when they have information that a child is being harmed.  That is why I had the fish approach his teacher with the news of the violence.   Winning the New England Book Festival would be a thrill!  But the greater pleasure I would gain from this award is knowing that more children would now have access to my prevention message.  This is a message of hope that so many children need. Thank you for your consideration of Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT for an entry in the How-to category for The New England Book Awards. Sincerely, Julie Federico

February 23, 2013 Book Signing Thornton, CO.

Feb. 23 (640x480)2/23/13 10-2pm
Barnes & Noble
701 East 120th Ave.
Thornton, CO. 80233

 

New Release: Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT

Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT now available on Kindle:

http://www.amazon.com/Anger-OKAY-Violence-NOT-ebook/dp/B007OYHFIA/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1337623888&sr=1-1