Category Archives: domestic violence resource

Anger is Okay Violence is NOT on Blog Talk Radio

Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT is a book for children struggling with tantrums. I wrote this book for toddlers experiencing anger problems and for caregivers looking for ways to control anger. In the book, positive ways to control anger are discussed. Anger is present, anger is powerful it is important to guide children on how to manage anger. The book also has a message to children who are living with domestic violence and involved with child protective services. My goal is to educate children about what is violence and how to report it. To listen to the program:

Anger is Okay Violence is Not 11/08 by La Femme De Prose0 | Books (blogtalkradio.com)

JulieFederico.com

You can find Julie on Twitter @Julie Federico and on Linked In here:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/authorjuliefederico

And on FB as Julie Federico

FocusonWomenMagaine.com

It’s a Family Affair with Children’s Author, Julie Federico

Tonight it is a great pleasure to welcome Children’s Author, Ms. Julie Federico M.A. with her award-winning children’s books; aimed at teaching a child knowledge of their body and also safety in their personal life. It’s never too early to begin reading to your children and these vibrantly illustrated books are a terrific resource to engage a child’s imagination, catch their attention, and most importantly empower them with the courage to speak up.

Ms. Federico has written a series of children’s books, ‘Some Parts are not for Sharing’; ‘Anger is OK, Violence is Not’; ‘Students Can Help Keep Schools Safe’;’Bad Guys’ and her newest book ‘Friends Are Wonderful’. Her books are geared for parents & educators to create interaction with the children/students, which then teaches them at very early ages how to speak up when they see harm being committed against another being. Children are a key role and carry more weight when reporting Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Bullying, and other types of violent crimes. When a child reports their young voice demands attention.

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/yhttps://www.blogtalkradio.com/yourvoiceradio/2014/04/01/its-a-family-affair-with-childrens-author-julie-federico

Hope for domestic violence victims in a pandemic

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. “15.5 million children in the United States live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year.” – Journal of Interpersonal Violence, Violent Childhood Experiences and the Risk of Intimate Partner Violence in Adults, 2003. This static rattles me every time I report it. It feels gripping and overwhelming. October is the month set aside to honor victims of domestic violence and seek solutions. I am publishing this now even though it is January. As the pandemic rages through the country domestic violence is on the rise. Study Finds Rise in Domestic Violence During COVID

This article will focus on the most vulnerable victims of domestic violence the children. Many women believe that they can live in a home where domestic violence is present and keep it from their children. They believe that since all of the fighting happens after the children go to bed that they do not hear it. This is false. It is one of the many lies women believe when they are living with domestic violence. It is part of the domestic violence package. It comes from being in survival mode that one believes this. Just know that your children know and move on from there. Your honesty to them validates their reality. If you act as if nothing is out of the ordinary it can make them feel crazy. Because they know what they are hearing is not normal, and they know they are in danger. Children will look to you for answers and if you are wearing a plastic smile it is pure trouble for them. Be honest with your children, they will reward you with love, hugs, and truth. Even if you can not change their reality immediately validate it. I do not believe one should stay in a home any longer than is possible where there is domestic violence and children are present. Domestic Shelters https://www.domesticshelters.org/  is a wonderful agency that offers help. They have a database of every shelter in North America. Type in your zip code and the list of shelters in your area immediately appears. If you are not ready to leave the abuser yet consider these tools to protect your children. Make a concerted effort to find neighbors on your street or nearby that you can call when the children need somewhere safe to go. This is not something that happens naturally all of the time. Parents have to create this and it takes time, it well worth the time. You know the cycle of abuse in your family and you will know when you can have extra children in your home. Secondly, reach out to your child’s teachers. You do not need to get specific unless you want to. Saying to the teacher something along the lines of, “There is a lot of extra stress in our home these days because of ________. I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on my child and let me know if you think there is something I need to be concerned about. Children will share things with teachers that they won’t with parents. I head of a story where a woman was hiding the abuse from her children, she thought they did not know. Her daughter went to school crying one day and told the teacher that; “Her daddy was going to kill her mother with a gun.” Teachers are mandatory reporters this goes a long way when women are not able to report. School personnel will report for families. Educate your children about domestic violence read my children’s book Anger is OKAY NOT Violence is NOT to your children more than once. This book is available at your local public library or at: www.juliefederico.com I am trying to educate families, offer hope instead of violence and help the 15.5 million children who are without a voice. I am quietly ending domestic violence one book at a time by getting children to report violence. Fourth and this may be the most challenging recommendation find a support system for yourself. People that you can call in an emergency or just on days when you need support. Most of the domestic violence shelters have outpatient counseling. If you are not able to find a support network a counselor is a great starting place. You do not need to stay at the shelter to receive these services. Do not try to do this alone, it is a very lonely path even when others are with you. To be completely alone is a recipe to never leave. Because no one is there with you to tell you what normal behavior is anymore. As time goes on your level of accepting dangerous behavior increases. Lastly, take some time to decide what type of home you would like to create for your children. What does it feel like? What does it look like? This is within your reach maybe not today but definitely in the tomorrows to come. It is never too late to create a happy home. Children need safety to develop and reach their highest potential. There is no greater gift a parent can give than the gift of safety. It is possible to get to higher ground.

Additional material:

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel

No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us by Rachel Louise Snyder

I never wanted to be a domestic violence expert

I never wanted to be a domestic violence expert.  I wanted to cure cancer or buy new tennis shoes for all of the homeless children in the country on the first day of school.  I could have gone on Oprah to share my secret knowledge of Science that led to my remarkable cancer cure discovery. Lives would have been saved, families protected.  No, instead I got a Ph.D. in domestic violence by default.  It snuck up on me; I was in the high school years of my degree before I knew what was happening.  I would have never said I was a victim of domestic violence because I was never hit.  If I had been mercifully hit one day soon after we were married in June of 1997 my life would have taken a much more positive turn.  How can one say getting physically assaulted would make their life go in a positive direction?  It is easy.  Had I been hit, I would have known without a shadow of a doubt that I was a victim and needed to escape, my family would have rallied around to support me and get me reorganized in an apartment. I would not have had two children with the abuser that sentenced me to an additional 18 years of unwanted abuse. I would have walked freely into a peasant life free of domestic violence.  I would have built a life with a man who loved me; I would have had children with a man who loved me.  Oh, how I long for this. How I long that I would have been hit, escaped, and rebuilt.  No, I was never hit.  I have been emotionally abused for now almost 20 years; this is where the expert title comes from, unfortunately. Don’t sign up for this lifestyle; it is hopeless and overwhelming.

If you or some you love is living with emotional abuse please know it is abuse.  It is abuse that is much more damaging than physical abuse because it does not present like abuse. There are no physical signs that you are being harmed.  It is easy to ignore the signals and dodge the danger of this isolating lifestyle.  If you look deeper and you will see all of the signs of domestic violence without the physical aspect.  Please seek help, please get to higher ground before it is too late and you have two children with your abuser.  18 years is too long to live in the haunting shadow of court ordered visits with a man who should be put into jail rather than receive custody of his children.  

Domestic shelters.org is a great place to start to look for help. Find help, be safe, get information.          https://www.domesticshelters.org/ 

I have written a children’s book for children living with domestic violence.  I believe it is a lifeline to them, giving children the correct and age-appropriate information they need to escape.  You can buy Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT at www.juliefederico.com or at your favorite bookstore.  This book is also available in Spanish.  Help is available please do not suffer alone.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Domestic Violence is Real

October is Domestic Violence awareness month.  I don’t think one month is enough time to shed a lot of light on domestic violence, it is a very complex issue.  But in light of this month’s celebration, I wanted to offer hope to women living with domestic violence.  If hope can be found when your life has been turned upside down and you can not really tell anyone what is going on.

The people who say domestic violence is not real are the same people who say the Holocaust was a hoax.  Domestic violence is real, the pain is real, the chaos and dysfunction equally as real.   It is unfortunately true, it is all too real.  I think when you admit out loud that it is real, you can begin to accept the current situation, and then most importantly begin to change it. 

You need to think only in these simple terms and not shovel grief, regret, and guilt on yourself. Many women spend so much time trying to answer the peaceful sleep interrupted question, “How did I get here? How did I not see this coming?” That they lose sight of the more important question, “Why am I staying?” Don’t spend too much time trying to answer questions that will not benefit you greatly. At this time you need to conserve your energies, don’t look backward only look forward.  Where do you want to be next Christmas morning, do you want to wake up to a peaceful holiday?  Or more of the same dysfunction?  

Abuse is calculated and you were groomed to accept this completely inappropriate behavior that you are living with now. It started with many small acts that sacrificed and ignored your needs. At first, it is so easy to dismiss this behavior.  For example, you never get to eat at the restaurants that you like, only the restaurants that he likes. This theme goes to you trying to turn up the heat in the car while you are driving. He turns it off and says, “You are not cold.”  Each of these things in isolation is not cause for alarm.  In an abusive relationship, this behavior will lead to other inappropriate behaviors more damaging.  What the abuser is doing is baiting you.  He is sending out small problems to you, not eating at your restaurant, not allowing you to use the heater.  He does these intentional low lying behaviors then watches your response.  To your credit you probably just thought this issue was about the heat in the car, right?   It isn’t but at the beginning, you would not know this.  It is not until you educate yourself about abusers’ behavior that you start to see how you were led into this abusive relationship.   It was task by task, item by item. No one meets someone for the first time, goes out to a nice dinner, and gets beaten up on the way home.  This would be waaay too easy. All of your self-protective sirens would be ringing at full speed.  You would get out of the car and say, “I never want to see you again!”  The abuser knows this intuitively they are an expert witness at human behavior.  In the beginning, abusers are hands down some of the most charming people you can meet.  They appear like the boy next door and will do anything for you. There is no standard timetable on when this changes, it just changes over time. Abusers are very patient while they create a seemingly perfect life with you only to turn the tables later.  If none of your needs ever get met and there is an unbalance of power in the relationship you are in an abusive relationship. You may wake up every day upset and unable to identify what is bothering you. Think of the unbalance of power, how as a couple you are always working to meet his endless need list.  Your needs never make the cut, this makes people feel anxious and unloved. You are not crazy, you are living in an unhealthy relationship. I think you should put this on a post-it note in your office.  So often the abuser wants you to believe you are crazy, this absorbs them of any wrongdoing.  Seeing small things like this can make a big difference in your thinking.  It can lead you on the path to wellness.

You should not spend your time changing something that does not need to be changed.  Domestic violence needs to be changed, domestic violence is not fair to those in its ugly web.  The damage that it does to children is life-changing.  If you have young daughters you are training them to accept this type of behavior in their future relationships.  If you have boys you are grooming them to be junior abusers.  Either of these things is enough for women to make changes to leave.  Many times women can not make changes for themselves because they have fallen into the belief of their abuser that their life and their needs are worth nothing.  I say if you feel into this belief, in time you can fall out of it. 

 “You are special too, don’t lose yourself.” Ernest Hemingway

Before women can even begin to think about leaving they have to take stock of their relationship.  They have to see the abuser as calculated and completely intentional in his behavior.  Their favorite trick is to get you to believe that your life and your needs are not important.  They work to get you to this point by repeated abuse, but then in time, they can back off because you believe this to your core.  They step back, smile at their twisted work, and silently celebrate that you are seeing yourself as worthless.  Don’t fall into this trap and it is a very large, tight, deadly trap.  Step back, become an observer in your own life, and see things from a different perspective.  When you become more objective you will start to see what is really going on.  It is not good news, don’t freak out.  Just become aware, notice things, start to accept your reality.  Don’t try to change what is happening in your house, I think this is a waste of your precious energy. Abusers don’t’ change, you can change, you can live happily ever after.  For next steps visit www.domesticshelters.org for life-changing resources.  You are not alone there is a team of people waiting by the phone for you:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

For the month of October, I am offering Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT at a significant discount on my website: www.juliefederico.com

How to prevent domestic violence and child abuse.

Prevention books for children ages 0-9 years old. There is no greater gift a parent can give than the gift of safety. Protect your children today!

Domestic Violence and Children

How To Prevent Domestic Violence

How to Prevent Domestic Violence

Approximately seven million children witness acts of domestic violence every year. http://www.safepass.org/index.php/want-info/children-and-domestic-violence

This statistic is for North America alone. In homes where domestic violence is present there is little hope, no safety, and a daily struggle for one’s simplest existence. Leaving relationships where there is domestic violence is no easy task just ask full time domestic violence advocate Andrea Martinez who fled an abusive ten year relationship. Leaving and the recovery that followed was an insurmountable task that Andrea conquered. She is still recovering from the alarming pain. In recovery from her own experience Andrea decided to help other women who are living with domestic violence by starting the first Purple Light Campaign in Denver a few years ago with the support of Latina Safehouse. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In celebration Andrea decided to have homes put a purple light in the front porch light of their home. She is hoping to flood the city with these encouraging purple lights. She has two goals; to raise awareness of domestic violence and bring hope to women who have not left their abuser yet. There is a lot of work to be done in Denver around domestic violence prevention. Domestic violence is built on silence. Let’s start talking in Denver about domestic violence, it is time for a change. October is still a few months away, it is never too early to celebrate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. https://tinyurl.com/ycxkyvtj

If you would like to support Andrea and her worthy Purple light project contact: Latina Safehouse @ 303-433-4470 for a purple light.  

If you are living with domestic violence or know someone who is help is available now:

*Colorado Colation Against Domestic Violence http://ccadv.org/  303.831.9632/ 888.778.7091 

*Latina Safehouse  www.latinasafehouse.net/     (303) 433-4470 

*Denver Safehouse  SafeHouse Denver Domestic Violence Services  303-318-9989 

*Gateway Battered Women’s Shelter http://www.gatewayshelter.org/ 

303-343-1856 

*To find shelter’s nationwide contact and many domestic violence resources: Domestic Shelters.org  https://www.domesticshelters.org/

If you are looking for ways to support someone that you know who is living with domestic violence or if you are in this situation yourself these are some ways to on how to prevent domestic violence:

*Men can not abuse women that they do not see everyday. This is obvious but it is good to repeat. When you move out it will be much more challenging for your abuser to violate you everyday. Location is key. Distancing yourself from the abuser by moving or staying with friends for a while will give you a reprieve. This tip will not give you a reprieve if you tell the abuser where you are staying. He needs to not be able to find you.

*Documenting abuse that is happening or has happened can go a long way to stopping the abuse. If there are physical marks left from the abuser be sure to document this and save the photos in a place where the abuser can not find them. Send them to a trusted friend if you have one. But be careful who you trust. This will go a long way to help you if you ever press charges.

*Seek counseling from a trained domestic violence counselor. This is a backend solution to help stop domestic violence. It will not immediately stop the abuse. But if you can find some clarity and a place to have your thoughts heard you are getting close to understanding how to prevent domestic violence. Having someone to bounce ideas off of as to what is normal spousal behavior is nothing short of amazing. This tip can get the ball rolling for you to see the abuse as it is. Abuse. And it will prevent further domestic violence. This issue is not his problem solving style, it is not the kids being a pain, money issues, you not keeping the house clean enough or not making the right thing for dinner. It is much more simple. It is abuse. With this information where does one go next? Hopefully a seed is planted to begin planning your escape. A trained therapist can be a lifeline. Many domestic violence shelters offer this service for free.

*Diversion is always a great tip. Your partner comes home after a long day. He is not in the house more than 8 minutes before you can tell he is about to blow. If you are alone, say, “I forgot something at Safeway for dinner.” Then exit as quickly as possible and do not speak any other words. If you do he could pull you into his raging anger. If you have kids discuss with them some weeks prior that you may come to them and say, “We need to leave now.” Explain to them what this means and why. If you have kids take them WITH YOU or you are leaving them as sitting ducks. I would keep spare shoes and masks in the car so that if you had to pick one of them up and just leave you could. This will not solve your problem, but it will buy you time. Some abusers just need time alone to decompress and they can return to center. Others not. It is always helpful to remember what your problem is? No, you are not a bad wife. You are living with an abuser. Always keep this in the front of your mind. This will not change when he gets a raise or your teenage daughter stops going through one of her moods. You live with an abuser, for now. No apologies, no covering up for him, no denial. Look at things as they are, when you can accept this there is a great deal of freedom just waiting for you to enjoy. This is the first step to freedom! Congratulations. When you need a mental refresher on how to prevent domestic violence re-read this article.

Julie Federico has written a children’s book for those living with domestic violence. She also speaks to groups about how to prevent domestic violence. You can order Anger is OKAY Violence is NOT at: www.juliefederico.com

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http://www.juliefederico.com

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http://latinasafehouse.org/

Julie Federico

www.juliefederico.com

Child Abuse, School Violence, Domestic Violence #domesticviolencehashtag#domesticabusehashtag#domesticviolenceawarenesshashtag#domesticviolenceawarenessmonthhashtag#spousalabusehashtag#domesticvolenceandchildren

Why Women Stay In Domestic Violence Relationships

Why Women Stay In Domestic Violence Relationships:

I want to uncover why women stay in domestic violence situations. I think this is a great question. I think every woman who has lived with violence has asked themselves this question many times. “Why am I staying? What am I doing here? Why is none of this making sense to me?” So you are asking this question, women living with abuse are also asking this question. Once one begins to ask questions change is possible. I like questions. Email me any of your domestic violence questions.

In a counseling training I heard this story. It is powerful. One day a frog was put in boiling hot water and he immediately died. Another frog was put in a cold pan of water and the heat was slowly turned up on his pan until he was at the same boiling point that the other frog was when he died. However, the second frog didn’t die immediately because the heat in his pan was turned up slowly. He had time to adjust to the heat with each increasing temperature spike. This describes domestic violence the heat in domestic violence relationships is turned up slowly, women develop a tolerance for their abusers behavior, women begin to accept the abusers behavior and then it goes up another level, they adjust, and then it goes up another level. In domestic violence relationships no one is typically beaten up and abused the first time they go out to dinner with the perpetrator. This would be too easy.

The victim acclimates and is slowly being taken into a burning pan of water over time. You did not immediately one day walk into a relationship where someone was beating your head against the wall. It starts slowly with a shovel or push and then there’s much remorse and a valley of regret. Many conversations and convincing sentences that this is never going to happen again. This is a trap, it will not end. Abuse just doesn’t end one day. One shining day women gather a great deal of courage and leave. This is the beginning of healing not waiting for the abuser to change.

Secondly women stay for financial reasons. I don’t know if you’ve tried to finance an apartment with security deposit, and the first and last month’s rent on a salary that might be minimum wage. The math on this doesn’t work unless you’re earning a fairly decent salary. Women cannot afford to leave their abuser unless they want to live on the streets with their children. Women have nowhere else to go, many times families side with the abuser not the victim. Families will not understand your reality and that you are in danger. They will frequently side with the abuser as someone who is; outgoing, fun-loving, a nice guy who would do anything for you. He is always happy, smiling, and goes out of his way to help you. So when you show up at your mother’s door you are not welcomed or are welcomed but judged for your harsh treatment and critique of the abuser. Extended family at times do not support the women because they don’t see the inside of the abuser. The woman and her children only see his behavior. This is calculated, the abuser does this to make sure that her friends/family know he’s prince charming. So that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on when she goes to ask for help. This is done to make the victim stay with the abuser because no one will really believe her. After so many years of living with someone who is abusive to you you don’t believe that you deserve to be happy. You believe you are the author of my own life, this is what I signed up for. So now I will just stay. There is a lot of self-talk that women need to do to talk themselves out of this. And it takes many years sometimes to understand that you deserve to be happy, you deserve not to walk on eggshells, you deserve to have your birthday celebrated and your Mother’s Day honored. After you’ve lived for so long with chaos you tell yourself it just doesn’t matter. Then you learn to maintain and you learn to put up with it. As the heat is turned up in your pan to almost a boiling point you don’t even notice the extreme heat. At this point you can pretty much withstand anything. I think women who have lived in domestic violence situations are the strongest people out there and they should be given awards. I don’t know what type of award you should give someone for staying in domestic violence but I think they need to be honored. I work with Speaker Match and I see a lot of postings for breakfasts honoring survivors and I think that’s a wonderful idea to have a breakfast for the survivors and start the dialogue around domestic violence. A lot of times people stay in domestic violence situations because they can’t dialogue with their friends. Additionally, family does not understand your situation. And they don’t understand your situation because your abuser has made your private life such a nightmare it is difficult to describe. The abuser has created their public life to be so squeaky clean that no one can believe the truths women are telling. Left without a lot of resources they will frequently just stay and maintain. Or they will leave without the support of their extended family and friends. Their financial resources will be cut in half if not more than what they’re currently living on and I’m not even going to talk about what happens in court with a domestic violence situation. This is a post for a whole different day. I can give you a snapshots on why women will not leave domestic violence. Another reason is emotional abuse creates the false belief that you can’t do anything right, that you’re not strong enough to be on your own, that you’re not worth anything, you’re not valued, your thoughts are not valued, your needs are not valued, you’re not valued at all. This does not make it easy to gather the self-esteem to go out and create a fabulous new life for themselves. No one ever tells an abused woman she’s right, they are so used to hearing “You’re wrong, you’re doing it wrong, this is wrong, I need this from you and you’re not doing this, you’re not doing that, you’re not doing the other.” No one ever tells them they do anything right and if you hear that negative language for so long you will start to believe it. I can’t do anything right, I can’t go and support myself, I can’t pull my family out of this, again this is another method the abuser uses to keep you from leaving. Make no mistake, this is all calculated none of this is by chance. So just keep that in the back of your mind, everything they’re doing is calculated for you to stay and maintain the dysfunction. The time that you leave an abuser is the most dangerous time in your relationship. Which I find shocking to hear that you are safer at your house getting the crap beat out of you every night then when you are finally leaving. This doesn’t seem fair, but this is what the statistics and research says. Keep yourself safe, know that you matter, know that you’re important, know that you will have many future birthdays away from the abuser. Please just start to think about leaving today. By now the pan of water you are sitting in is boiling. Reach your hand up and turn down the burner. You deserve this!

Julie Federico www.juliefederico.com

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